Hello, I'm the Godless Gay Heathen. Or as I'm more commonly known as on the net Spartacandream (youtube and facebook). Before that I was Babyloniandream, but my cybername changes from time to time when I come up with something new. I'm thinking Godless Gay Heathen might be the next name for me.
Anyway, I'm making this blog to discuss everything about gender, sexuality, and society. A bunch of other topics as well, but those are the main ones.
I'll begin by telling you a little about myself. Aside from it being my name on here, I am a Godless/Atheist gay guy. I'm 21. I live in the United States. I'm a thinker and a writer. I love cycling.
I was raised a Fundamentalist Baptist Christian. I was taught that being gay was wrong and that gay people go to hell. That isn't why I deconverted, but that did make it very hard to come to terms with who I was. So I endured a long period of having no selfrespect and felt ashamed of who I was for my entire teenage years.
I started to come to terms with myself when I was 18. I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay. I was trying hard to become bi after having come out as such in my senior year of high school. Truth be told, I didn't want to be the object of discrimination for so many people. But I never chose to be gay in the first place, so how could I choose to not be gay?
Well... I learned how not the hardway. I tried being straight. I tried and tried. I dated a close friend, a girl. She was in love with me, but I was distant. I tried to move beyond being just friends, but I couldn't. She wanted to make out, the most I would do was kiss her on the cheek. Later in the year, she wanted to take it one step further and have sex, I then realized it was time to be honest, I wasn't in love with her. I tried to say it in the nicest way possible, that I not only couldn't have sex with her, but that we should instead be just friends.
I really hurt a close friend, and didn't talk to her for nearly 2 years trying to become straight. We're talking again now, after that time, but we're not as close as we once were. Not because I'm gay (she don't care about that), but because I ruined her trust with me. And we only started talking again when she found out that it was because I was gay that I broke up with her (I came out at 21), and she felt bad, that I even got her friendship back.
I never told her why the day I broke up with her, I feel bad. But in retrospect, I realize what caused me to do that horrible deed of having lied and used her as a front to hide who I was. It was that early indoctrination, and the fear of never being able to be just right in everyone's eyes. This is why I'm so vocal against homophobia. This is also why I'm so vocal against religious indoctrination as well.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I've got the feeling I'll just digress and not stay on topic. But basically, it was a long struggle to get to where I am today. A happy and proud gay man. One that doesn't need the approval of the holy books of noexistant gods to be who I am.
